GEM STONED: Yeerk Buster
by Gem Stoned
Summary: Guess who's the new member of the Animorphs! You guessed it, moi! And I'm kicking some serious Yeerk butt. Oh, and by the way, Forlay features in this. heh. heh.


"Well, since Erek says that the Yeerks are planning an all round attack then I think we should 

"Well, since Erek says that the Yeerks are planning an all round attack then I think we should 

..." Jake said.

"Plan an all round attack our selves!" Rachel yelled happily.

"Actually ..." Jake said.

"OR, we could just sit back and watch the Yeerks take over, no big deal," Marco muttered.

I'd rather hunt a rat or two, Tobias commented.

"Ooh! A rat?" Cassie squealed, "I've always wanted to dissect a rat!"

I eat rats, I don't dissect them.

"Well, we could dissect it first then you could eat it ... by the way, how does rat meat taste?"

It tastes great! Tastes like chicken ... I wonder whether I could eat chicken as a hawk? 

Tobias said, thrilled at someone actually being interested in his eating habits.

"Chicken!?" Ax yelled in his human morph.

Uh-huh.

"I wonder whether McDonalds would be open now,"  Cassie said, looking at her watch.

"The motto is twenty four seven," Marco commented.

"No, that's BP," Rachel said.

"BP?" Ax asked.

"The gas station. Beyond Petroleum or something."

"Aren't all gas stations twenty four seven?" Cassie asked.

I think so, Tobias said.

"No, but..." Rachel was saying, but Jake interrupted her.

"Helloooooooo!" He almost screamed, "I was trying to talk, you know!"

"That is really nice, Jake," Cassie said, then turned to Marco, "What about Shell?"

"Shell?"

"Yeah, the gas station."

"I don't know about Shell, but ..."

"OK! That's it. I quit!" Jake yelled, "find a new leader, 'cos I can't take it any more! Aaaaaah!" 

Jake screamed as he ran out of the barn tugging at his hair.

"Some people have got to take a few chill pills," Marco muttered.

You're telling me! Tobias chuckled.

"Hold up," Cassie said, "If Jake just quit on us, who's gonna make all the hard decisions?"

"Spoilsport," Marco muttered.

"I'll be the leader!" Rachel yelped.

"Hah! You couldn't make a good decision even if there was one standing right in front of you," 

Marco joked.

"And you could!?"

"No, ma'am."

"W-we've got no leader!" Ax cried, "No p-prince!"

"Don't call him prince," Cassie snapped,

"No! No! No! No p-prince, no leader!!!"

There was a sudden bang, then the room was full of smoke. They all coughed.

"W-who's there. Cough!" Rachel asked.

"Who do you think?" a voice replied in a 

I-wouldn't-even-tell-you-if-you-bowed-down-and-worshipped-me tone (O.K., so I may be 

exaggerating a little, but isn't that the whole point of being a fan fiction writer?).

"Rachel doesn't think, it's sort of impossible, what with her not having a brain and everything," 

Marco said through the smoke.

"Shut up, Marco," Rachel snapped.

Suddenly, a girl with long black (X-X-Black, get it?) hair and green eyes stepped through the 

smoke, muttering, "I have got to work on those entrances."

"You!" Cassie screeched, "I remember you!"

"Thanks," the girl sighed, "I've got fans everywhere."

"Fan fiction dot net!"  Cassie whispered, "You're Gem Stoned!"

"Nice to know you remember me," the girl said, "I mean, I wouldn't have my self, only it was 

that outfit! EEW!"

Rachel's eyes lit up, "That was EEW?"

"Uh-huh, got it from my bud Stoney Gem, she's the designer, you know."

"Stoney Gem ... eew?" Marco asked.

"You haven't heard of EEW!?" Rachel asked, like it was totally alien not to have heard of 

EEW, which I must admit is true.

"Ecstatic Egg Wear," Cassie commented.

"You're heard of it too?" Rachel squealed.

"Yeah, Rachel, EEW is like the most popular outfit in the whole of FFN!" Gem Stoned 

muttered.

"Ecstatic Egg Wear?" Marco mumbled, "The things they come up with these days."

"They're the ones who invented the wonderful idea of ... Underwear For Anywhere,"

"Ohhhkay, Cassie, maybe you should lay back on those sanity pills," Marco said, "they seem to 

be having the reverse effect."

My uncle used to wear Underwear For Anywhere, Tobias commented.

"You too?" Marco muttered.

"I love underwear for anywhere, the cinnamon flavored one! Ooh, aah!" Ax mumbled.

"They have flavored ones?" Marco began to rise to the occasion, "maybe EEW isn't that bad..."

"Yeah! You can put a wonder bra on your apple!" Rachel yelled.

"Ohhhkay, Rachel," Everyone said.

"Anyway,"  Gem said, "I'm not here to talk about jockeys on your toe. I'm here about being the 

new leader of the animorphs."

"New leader of the animorphs?" Marco asked.

"Yes, Jake just quit on you. Didn't you notice?"

"How did you know?"

"I know everything." Gem said mysteriously, "actually, it's in book number fifty six. And K.A. 

Applegate said the last one was supposed to be fifty five! Hah! The liar."

"B-but fifty six hasn't come out yet."

"Oh ... sorry, I have a friend, who has friend who has a friend, who has a dog, who has a tape 

recorder stuck to it which tapes everything K.A. plots, very useful for fan fiction ideas 

hhhmmmm ... wait a minute! How would you know whether fifty six has come out yet!? You 

scrawny little character!" Like being a scrawny little character was supposed to be some sort of 

big insult.

"er... er..."

"You want to be the leader of the animorphs?" Rachel asked.

"I think we've got that covered, dearie," Gem said.

"What makes you think we're gonna let you be the leader?" Cassie asked.

"You can't even morph!" Marco yelled.

Let alone make a good entrance, Tobias chuckled.

Ax who was waiting for his cue to go "Prince!" was sitting on the barn floor looking for Jake.

"Shut up, bird boy," Gem said, "besides, I don't need to be able to morph to fight the Yeerks."

"Speaking of which," Cassie said. "If you want to fight the Yeerks, can't you just write Visser 

Three off the series?"

"Sorry, darling, but I'm nor allowed to do that," Gem said. "Only K.A. and her idiot 

Ghostwriters are allowed to do that."

"Then what good are you?" Rachel asked.

"I can make a Hork-Bajir do the macarena!"

"You are so in, dude!" Marco yelled.

"And I can also get you - Rachel - a new Gucci outfit."

"How new?"

"Two thousand and one, September, new," she said, "and it hasn't even been designed yet."

"Ooh! You are so in!"

"You can't just buy your way into the animorphs!" Cassie exclaimed.

"No, I can't. But I can get you a new pet rat for your experiments, Cassie dearest."

"Girlfriend, you are my new best friend."

"Okay, I don't have to bribe er ... offer Ax anything," Gem said eyeing Ax who was still on the 

floor but pounding it and screaming Christina Aguilera lyrics (Nobody wants to be lonely?).

"Tobias, what have you always wanted?"

To meet Britney Spears!

Gem snapped her fingers and Tobias yelled, Ooh baby, bay-bee!

The next day at school, Marco stepped up to the mysterious new girl who was in a large brown 

coat, dark glasses and a hat, "hey, babe," he said suavely while trying to do his cool (or so he 

thought) Rustle Crowe impersonation, "mind if I rustle your crow?"

"Shut up, Marco!"

"Or maybe crow your rustle!" he yelled, desperate at the chance to 'score', "your choice!"

"It's me, Marco!"

"Mom?"

The girl took of her hat, and her dark glasses.

"You?"

"Yes it's me," Gem said, "I'm here to spy on the Yeerks.

"Does this mean I can rustle your ..."

"No!"

"Then what does this mean?"

"Why, if it isn't Gem Stoned."

Marco and Gem turned around, "Oh, Forlay!" Gem squealed, giving Forlay a very 

uncomfortable hug, "What are you doing here in ________?"

"Oh, I'm just visiting ________, the ________ans are so friendly!" Forlay started circling Marco 

and Gem like the vulture that she is - hey, I'm allowed to have views! "Who's your friend, 

Gem?"

"Oh, Marco - Forlay. Forlay - Marco."

"The Marco?"

"What do you mean the Marco?" Marco asked.

Forlay ignored Marco, "So you're using the Animorphs are you?" Forlay laughed mockingly, 

"you think you're going to destroy me, with the Animorphs?" Forlay walked away, laughing as 

she went.

"Okay, okay," Gem said in Cassie's barn, "my plan wasn't exactly just to fry Yeerks, I admit!"

"So what was your plan?" Cassie asked shrewdly.

"I just er ..."

"Tell us the truth, or else," Rachel snapped.

Gem was not threatened, "Or else what? You'll turn into a teddy bear?"

"Just tell us, will you!" Marco said, "I have a date with Viscera Tree after this."

Viscera Tree? Tobias asked.

"Yes," Marco snapped, "you got a problem with that? We met at the Yeerk pool last night."

"Well, well," Rachel said.

"OK! OK! I'll tell you. Just don't force me to listen to your painfull conversations!" Gem cried. 

"As Marco told you," she gave Marco an angry look, "we met Forlay at school today."

Who's Forlay? Tobias asked.

"I was getting to that, Tobias," Gem scowled, "Forlay is my arch-enemy. She t-t-threatened to 

give me a hic... hic ... cyber-throttling!"

"A cyber-throttling?" Marco laughed.

"Hey, don't act so smart, buster." Gem said. "Marco dearie, you're definitely not 18, not a Yves 

Saint Laurent model and you don't make five hundred dollars per second. So you're not one to 

talk. Oh, and by the way, StonedGirl56 on StonedChat dot com was just moi checking up on 

you."

Marco suddenly looked pale, perhaps because of Rachel's taunting laughter.

"Anyway, we're launching a net-war, and I needed some heroes of sorts, so I chose you."

"Why do you make it sound like such a daily thing?" Cassie asked.

"er ... because it is?"

Just continue. Tobias said, then burst into laughter as he added, Marco has a date with 

Viscera Tree!

"Shut up," Marco snapped.

"I wanted Harry Potter, but Forlay got him first. Well, you're more than him and he can only 

transfigure one of you into a staggering, drooling pig."

"Wouldn't be much of a change for Marco," Rachel laughed.

"While the rest of you would turn into you're little animals, eat him and ta-daaaa! Forlay's 

doomed."

"What can you do for us? That's all I wanna know."

"Yeah!" Ax said, talking for the first time, "What have you done for us lately?" Ax sang, then 

changed the tune, "Who's that eatin' that nasty food? Nasty boys! Who's that driving that nasty 

car? Nasty ..."

"Ax," Marco whispered, "the Velvet Rope tour was in ninety nine, dearie."

Did Marco just call Ax ... dearie?

"I think he did!" Rachel gasped.

"That sounds so ... Gem Stoned!" Cassie said.

"I know!" Rachel squealed.

Gem slapped her forehead, "I knew I should have chosen Senna for this job, at least she's sane."

"Hey, I decide who's sane and who's not!" Marco yelled.


End file.
